I had this great quotation from a chick flick to put here and now I can't remember it.

Yesterday, a friend from home asked me if I was lonely here. And suddenly I found the perfect adjective to describe my spiritual life here. God is here. I am here. And I long to see more of his action. I know that he is moving in my life and changing me as I live here. I can see that happening in small ways here and there. And I'm not looking for anything big or grandiose. What I want and long for is Jesus, radically Jesus. I'm learning to see him in the little things-the cute older people at Mass on Sundays and the people around me who might not know Him but they do know a bit of what love is. I want to be safe in the arms of Love and to know that I am safe and loved. Unfortunately, I am NOT serving a tame Lion and that will not happen. But I also want dynamite and that's an explosive, so I'm really not going to be safe. St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle...
But I am lonely. And that is something on which the Enemy feeds. As Wormtongue said in The Two Towers, "Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in? So fair, yet so cold like a morning of pale Spring still clinging to Winter's chill." The Enemy longs to make us feel alone and abandoned. But these words are poison. I may not see God here but he is here. I am not alone; I am simply lonely. God will never abandon me.

In other news, I had some good times with Gabriel and Daniela last night. We had fish for dinner and while Marian (Maria Antonia, who will now be referred to as "Marian" despite having been previously referred to as "Antonia.") was removing the "espinas" from the fish, Gabriel told me that at his grandmother's house, they always give the cats the bones of the fish so they can eat the scraps. And then he remembered that I have a cat. (I've shown him pictures of Rina before.) So he wanted to know if Rina might like to have the bones from our fish. I supposed that she might, so he wanted to know if he could give them to her. I reminded him that Rina was very far away so he wanted to mail the bones to her. His father told him that he could send her the bones with a note that said "Para Rina" which means "For Rina" but they would probably rot and stink before they got to Rina. And then Rina would not want them. So we will not be sending Miss Kitten any fish bones. But the little guy does think about her. I think he wants her to come visit us. He also wants a dog and his mother does not.
I've been working on this post for close to an hour and a half. I multitask WAY too much. But yeah, that's always been the way I am.
In other news, whilst I am not eager to go home or longing to immediately return to the States immediately, I do desperately miss people. I miss coffee dates and laughter over stupid things and a lot of other things. People can feel free to mail themselves to me. You can sleep in the bathroom; it's almost comfortable.

But I've never harmed an onion, so why do they make me cry?

I don’t like being left home alone. I’d just like to throw that out there. I think my family knows that. I’m not a huge fan of being alone a lot. But this weekend, I was home alone all weekend. I hung out with friends quite a bit, which was awesome. But I didn’t like being home alone in this big apartment. I have great prayer times when I’m alone. And I get to listen to more Peter Kreeft. (By the way, he is ABSOLUTELY amazing.) But I don’t like being alone all weekend. I sleep more, which is probably good for me. But it’s still being alone.

I’ve been having some computer problems and it appears that Dell will not be able to help me out until after I get back from Spain. Dell has people in Spain but there are records of the work that has already been done to Mr. Darcy back in the U.S. that are crucial to doing any work on this delightful friend of mine. So please pray that this computer can survive the next two and a half months.

I’ve been here for almost a month; it’ll be that on Thursday. And I’m learning a few things here. God has a plan for me here; he brought me here for a reason. I just don’t know what it is yet. But I know that I’m here for a reason; I know that this season of my life is occurring for a reason. I am in Spain because this is where he wants me. But why? That’s my big question. I know that I’m growing and changing while I’m here. But I wonder what I am here to do. And I am desperate for signs of God. I find them in the oddest places.

There are conversations with friends and fingers of peanut butter in the absence of spoons. There was a day spent in conversation with a Christian girl from Grand Rapids who is over here as a nanny for a friend of my host mom. And that relationship promises to bear more fruit. There are group hugs from girls I didn’t know a month ago. There are Skype conversations with my brother. There are emails and facebook chats with good friends.

Sometimes I wonder if people in America have forgotten about me or decided to ignore me until I get home. I know that’s a stupid thought but sometimes that is really how I feel over here. I miss people at home; there are times, especially when I’m alone for long periods of time like this weekend, when I feel very abandoned and alone. I don’t want to be forgotten; I don’t want to be ignored. I need reminders that you guys are still there for me. I cannot do this on my own. I’ve learned to go inside myself and seek for Christ because he never will abandon me. But that is hard. And sometimes it really helps to have someone do something as simple as tease me or say “Hey, I hope you have a good day.” Three strands of cord cannot be easily torn. (Where in the Bible is that from? I think it’s from Ezekiel but where?) One strand of cord can break very easily. And, as I was reminded by a Peter Kreeft talk, friendship is one of the greatest weapons we have against evil. Beer may be the proof that God loves and he wants us to be happy but friendship is a weapon against evil. And Spain is known for their wine, not their beer. I don’t like being alone. I don’t like feeling abandoned. And I don’t want to beg people to notice me and pay attention to me either. If that’s what works for you while I’m gone, that’s fine. But it’s hard for me; that’s all I’m trying to say. I do not want people to tell me that they’re going to support me and pray for me while I’m gone and then completely and totally ignore me while I’m gone. Just be honest with me, please.

I also ask you to pray for me here. I am struggling to fight for the culture of life. I listen to people mock Christians who have large families and I cringe. They have no idea that they only make me want to have a bigger family. (Alex, you have ten boys; I’ll have 11 girls. Does this still work for you?) These people are wrong when they say that we Christians want to breed soldiers for Jesus Christ. Well, we are producing soldiers for the culture war but you are off on the moon and not aware of the fact that we’re at war. And we are fighting on the side of Jesus Christ. But that’s not why we have large families. We do it from a love of children and a love of God’s gift of life.

And then today, I listened to a Christian friend say that abortion didn’t affect her so she didn’t see why we needed to act against it. It wasn’t affecting her, so she didn’t need to oppose it. Hi, let me introduce you to my friend, Rachel…who isn’t here because she was aborted. One-third of your generation is missing and you don’t think abortion isn’t affecting you. Well, you really are on the moon. I like you very much but you are off on the moon. Do I sound callous? I’m sorry. You’re alive; Rachel and millions of other children are not. Let’s respect our deceased siblings. We are a generation that is called to prepare the way of the Lord; I really firmly believe this. And part of that call is to step out in faith and defend the defenseless. You may never have an abortion but abortion has still touched your life. Look around you; in the U.S., one-third of your generation has been murdered. We are in the trenches of the culture war. It is life vs. death and our society is on the line. The enemy is waiting in the wings whispering lies in your ear. He will lull you into complacency and inaction. And the trenches will continue to fill up with the corpses of dead babies. They have a right to life and they lost it due to selfishness and human pride.

And this makes me both angry and sad. Abortion may touch your life in ways that you never expected. Take St. Gianna Molla for example. I highly doubt that she ever thought that abortion would ever be an option for her life. But then she was diagnosed with uterine cancer while pregnant. And suddenly, her doctors were recommending abortion; it would save her life. But it would take the life of her unborn baby. Gianna chose life. She asked that all possible efforts be made to save her own life and that of her child. Her daughter was born and St. Gianna died shortly thereafter.

We are alive. We can protect the lives of our unborn brothers and sisters. We protect the lives of children once they are outside the womb. (Well, okay, some people support infanticide and that is horrifying. Life is a gift from God and we NEVER have a right to take it. I don’t care what you think is “wrong” with your baby. We never have a right to begin or end life; that belongs to God.) Abortion touches all of our lives whether or not we know it or see it.

St. Gianna Molla, pray for us. We need God’s help and mercy.

Oh and if you were wondering what was up with the onions, last night the family got back at like 10 or 10:30, close to when I was going to bed, because after all I am lamer than lame. Anyway, they started cooking something with onions in it and it was so strong, my eyes were just welling up and they hurt so badly. So I took my pillow and slept on the bathroom floor for about an hour until the onions were all gone. But why do they make me cry?

Politics and a brief Update

So I'm not in the U.S., so I don't know everything that's going on with the economy and politics. However, I have been trying to keep up with the news as best I can. And Donal's most recent blog post, which can be read here, enlightened me and helped me. I have to agree with what he says. And after reading the news today, I have to say that our country is in pretty crappy stuff. I'm not crazy about McCain but now is NOT the time for the Messiah who wants Power. As I recall the Messiah is supposed to be the Suffering Servant, not demanding power and saying "Hey, look at me. I'm amazing." And I'm not a fan of Biden simply because I like it when Catholic politicians actually live their freaking faith and follow the teachings of the Catholic Church. (Let's all review very quickly; the Catholic Church is opposed to abortion.) I like Palin; I think she's pretty amazing. And I've never really liked McCain and I'm really afraid he'll die in office. But hey...Matt Damon doesn't know everything; maybe Palin would be a good president.

Life here is Spain is pretty great. I love living with Gabriel and Daniela; they're such sweethearts. And I'm not making dinner tonight. I've been postponed to next week due to the fact that no one is going to be home for dinner tonight. But I have something to look forward to next week. And I get to go to the candy store with Melanie, Jessica, and Reba tonight. Trips to the candy store are always amazing.
This weekend, I'm getting together with Kim, the nanny of one of Antonia's friends. Kim is actually from Grand Rapids and went to GVSU. And I met her once last spring. But we were put in contact by Antonia. Crazy, huh?
Other than that, I have a lot of "deberes," or homework, to do. It's not going to be the most fun on record. But I'll live. Next weekend, we're going to the south of France, which should be fun. And the weekend after that I'm going to Vitoria to visit the community; I'm SUPER excited about that. And I'm officially on for visiting the Joys in early November. I told Antonia about it last night and she was like "Can you afford that?" So I explained that I just bought myself a student Eurorail pass which allows me unlimited travel for ten days over the next two months. And hopefully I'll be hitting Rome Thanksgiving weekend.
God is good.
I'm having computer troubles, unfortunately, but I'm going to try calling Dell tonight. Maybe they can help me out. Or maybe they'll give me a new computer since I'm still under warranty for another two years. We'll see.
And random fact of the day: I really like talking to people from home. Yesterday morning, I got to talk to Alex K. and that made me happy. I like being reminded that there are people back home who are praying for me and support me in my life and decisions. Skype anyone? If you make an appointment with me, I can skype Monday-Thursday at 7pm. And I can do phone calls then.

If C.S. Lewis were alive, I'd totally marry him.

Yes, I mean that.
Last night during my prayer time, I was inspired to listen to a Peter Kreeft talk and found an amazing quotation.
"War amounts to saying 'let's all get into funny looking uniforms and go out and kill each other tomorrow morning.'"
I'm not sure that's exactly right but more or less...that's what happens.
I bring this up because we need to talk about ETA. There have been a few bombings over here lately and at least one person has been killed. We're fine and safe here as of right now. If anything changes, I'm sure that the U.S. Embassy will get us out of here.

Anyway....life here is going well. School is really starting to pick up. I'm reading books and writing essays and yesterday I spent probably four or five hours in my room just doing homework. But I still have a mother who worries about me and fusses over me. And I think Antonia finally understands that I don't like going out clubbing at night.
And it looks like (once I type up the syllabus) I'm going to be able to transfer my grammar class back to GVSU as a phonetics class. So life is good.
Gabriel sticks his hands in my water glass every night or tries to steal my food. And Daniela is a drama queen, much like I was at her age.
But hey...life is good. And so are side hugs.
And on Friday I'm getting together with a Christian girl who is working as a nanny for my host mom's friend. And this girl happens to be from Grand Rapids. And I met her once before. It's so random but so amazing. And I'm looking forward to it.

White Roses are needed.

I’ve been here for three weeks now and I can’t wait to come home and share all of my experiences with you back home. I can’t wait to show you pictures and tell you stories behind them. I can do that a little bit here but it will be so much better when we’re all in one place and I can sit there and just talk to you for hours on end. I can tell you how much little things like emails really helped me when I was homesick. I will tell you how much finding a Starbucks in Madrid really meant to me. I’ll tell you how hard I laughed when I found videos of Greg and Alex playing old-school community songs on my laptop. I want to go out to coffee with everyone and show you my pictures. I want to tell Steve Logan about the guy who looked just like him and acted nothing like him. There were way too many random Spanish guys who looked a lot like Alex and Kyle.

Spain is wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I’m learning so much here and not just in school or about all things Spanish. I’m also learning about myself and what certain things mean to me. This past weekend, when I couldn’t go to Mass because I didn’t know Madrid well enough to just go off to Mass by myself, I knew had a traveler’s dispensation but it still made me so sad. It means so much to me here. I don’t completely understand the Mass here but it is the Mass. I’m realizing the Real Presence so much more here. I think because it is the one part of every Mass that I really and truly know and understand. I know what those words “Este es mi cuerpo” and “Esta es mi sangre” mean. And that means the world to me. I see it and I know it and I believe it. And I love that church, San Vicente Martir. It’s so beautiful and it makes me feel like I’m really close to God.

I found out when I’m going to Vitoria. I’m going to be there from October 10 to the twelfth. I get to go to a prayer meeting and a community meal, which I’m guessing is something like a Lord’s Day. I’m also going to get to just spend time with some of the younger people/families in the community. It sounds really amazing and I’m really excited about it. I’m really looking forward to getting to meet these people and see what community life is like in Europe. I want to experience this side of community but also just to meet some people who have the same love of God and passion for charismatic worship that I do.

And then I’m looking at heading to Austria the first full weekend of November to see Katie Joy. And that will also be great. I like seeing people especially when it also means getting to go to another country. I want to see the world. I also want Majorcan pearls. But that’s another story and I don’t know if I can get them in Bilbao anyway.

One thing that I miss that I never really thought I’d miss is honorable guys. Here, as in most places, they’re few and far between. It makes me miss and appreciate the guys I know that much more. I think I’ve taken them for granted at some level. I have always known that they were the exception to the rule but I haven’t realized how much of an exception they really were until these past three weeks. Here, it’s rare to have guys honor you and respect you in a chivalrous manner. The guys in the CIDE program and the guys that I encounter around Bilbao and Spain aren’t the type who would consider the emotional ramifications of looking or speaking to a girl in a specific way. They don’t acknowledge what a look or a word or a dance means to a girl. Or if they do, they don’t care. It makes me appreciate side hugs more. But it also makes me appreciate guys who work to honor their sisters in their speech and in their actions.

In fantastic news, I’m making dinner for my host family on Thursday. I’m making Mrs. Kilpatrick’s meatloaf, which is amazing and hopefully I can do a good job of making it. We had an interesting discussion last night about what I wanted/needed to make it though. I need what we Americans call “salsa” but here that word refers to all sauces so I had to explain that I need “salsa Mexicana.” And then I had to explain what the ingredients were and that I could make it if she couldn’t buy it. That meant that I had to explain what jalapeños are. I was having trouble with that and we ended up looking them up in an encyclopedia. But then we realized that you could probably buy it here in Spain since you can make tacos and stuff like that here.

Above all, what I want here is to grow closer to God and become better with Spanish language, literature and culture. And right now, I'm doing pretty well with the Spanish but I'm really struggling with the God thing. I need to listen to more of Dr. Peter Kreeft.

Feliz Cumpleanos a Lauren

Since I did this for Jenny, I'll do it for Lauren. Happy Birthday!

Madrid y Toledo

First off, pictures won't be appearing until tomorrow. I haven't loaded them unto the computer yet. But the trip was wonderful. I liked Madrid and I loved Toledo. I think I need big cities but not too big. I wasn't a huge fan of Madrid; it was fun to visit but I couldn't live there. But they do have Starbucks there and Bilbao doesn't have Starbucks at all. And I really like a coffee shop where I can talk to the baristas and joke around with friends. And I haven't found that here. Here, that's more of a bar/club thing and I'm really not a bar/club person.
We saw a lot of things in Madrid: el Palacio Real, where the Royal Family does NOT live anymore and where you can NOT take pictures, la Catadral Moderna, el Mueso del Prado, las Austrias de Madrid, la Puerta del Sol, la Plaza de Espana (which was kind of by accident), and la Plaza Mayor. We also saw Real Madrid's stadium from the bus. It was beautiful and wonderful. We also went to this seven floor club (La Kapitol) and if you're ever in Madrid, DO NOT GO. It's crowded, gross, and not that exciting. And it's a 20 euro cover fee for entrance and one drink. It's not worth it.
In Toledo we saw a the Cathedral, which was beautiful but would have been more enjoyable if we had not had the most obnoxious tour guide in the history of ever. I was tired and I didn't give a too-da-lee-doo about what kind of architecture the organ was; I just wanted to pray and look around. We got to explore the city a bit and I saw some gorgeous things.
Side note: I bought postcards for Allison, Alex, and Kyle in both Madrid and Toledo but I think I lost them in our hotel, so you people will all have to just live with my pictures.
Anyway, in Toledo they sell Mallorcan pearls and I was tempted to buy some. But I didn't. But htey aren't that expensive. I was looking for an icon of San Jose for the Perrotas (Kevin and Louise there) but they didn't have one.
We came home yesterday and I'm glad to be back. I love my family here and I missed the kiddos while I was gone.
I'll post more later when I'm not so tired.